It's been a minute since I've been up here. Fortunately I've been busy with work. Unfortunately, I've had a lot of emotions bottled up inside because I haven't been able to access my outlet. But I'm here now. And I'm ready to get back to what I love. This shit is my therapy, my friend, my shoulder. I will try not to neglect it for this long again.
But anyways, where to start. Oh yeah, probably with that conversation that I just had via text. I got my drink to my right so we will see how this goes. I got this Drake's "Take Care" album going in the background, although I'm thinking of switching to The Weeknd to give me inspiration. Okay, I'm rambling. Damn you alcohol! Back to the convo. So she told me she thinks I'm "almost in love". She laughs but I think she really thinks this. And honestly, I wouldn't mind it. But truth is I'm a fucked up individual. I know that's not the best thing to say about one's self, but I'm an honest individual too. My feelings stay encased in a concrete safe because I don't want to be hurt. I've seen my homies go through it and it's not a feeling that I am ready to embrace. Because of this, I won't allow my feelings to become 100% involved until I'm sure the woman's feelings are all in. I mean typically women are all in first because women are more emotional, more affectionate. So when I see that I readily give in. But if that isn't showcased, then I live my life according to De Niro from the movie "Heat": never get attached to something that you can't walk away from in 30 seconds if you feel the heat. Granted, what he was talking about had nothing to do with this here, but in a way it applies to how I view feelings. Like I stated before, I'm somewhat of a fucked up individual. It's not something I'm proud of. I really wish I could let go and just give in sometimes, but on the flip side, after all I've seen in life I'm glad I'm not one of those dudes. I mean women can be ruthless sometimes! Lol. I think I've missed out on some good people because of my way of thinking. I just hope God hasn't given up on me yet. I mean who knows, maybe she's the one. Maybe He has deemed me worthy of having one of His angels as my own. I just hope I don't mess things up before I get the chance to see what's in store for me. And I hope that she realizes what she has in me....
Okay, I'm done. I know it's short but oh well. This was just something I wanted to get off my chest, talk about to y'all. Maybe one day I'll be able to express myself differently.
I think you should let go of the "harboured" and live. It's all or nothing. Some things you can't prep for and you just have to charge it to the game. I'm struggling with that, myself.
ReplyDeleteI understand the feeling of not wanting go into a situation giving too much cause you could be the one being hurt. I've been there and done that. Not a good place to be. I will say I commend you on knowing yourself enough to understand it not easy for you. Hopefully in time, you can one day let go!
ReplyDelete@Candi: Yeah you are right. And that's how I try to go about things. Sometimes I'm successful, other times I'm fighting with myself. But I'm working on changing things.
ReplyDelete@Poetic Butterfly: Thank you. It's not a situation that I have been in, and I think because of that I'm trying to make sure I don't go through it. I've seen some of my friends go through it, and seeing how they way it left them I'm not trying to experience that! lol. Just working on me one day at a time.