A Heart Divided

Dazed and confused, unsure of what to do 
Past or the present, which one do you choose 
If you had it your way, which one has to lose? 


Mind is here, heart is elsewhere
13 years vs. 5 months, doesn't really compare 
Change has to come, I can feel it in the air 


Past is gone, God rest his soul 
Present is hanging on by a thread, trying not to let go 
Future seems miles away, somewhere lost on the road 


Problems and situations, situations and problems 
They are priority, first we have to solve them, 
Work our way to the top, but it's so cold at the bottom 


She tries to move on, but her direction is undecided 
A love stronger than you have ever known, I can provide it 
But she may never know, because her heart is divided....

We All Gotta Go One Day...

R.I.P. To Whitney, and all the other greats that have come and gone.




I was at the crib. My homeboy was cutting my hair, the radio on in the other room. We were laughing and joking when the DJ came over the air to announce Whitney Houston's death. It was as if he didn't know how to relay the message. His mood was real somber, his voice hating to be the bearer of such bad news. I immediately looked at my Twitter, and sure enough my timeline was filled with "R.I.P. Whitney's" and "No, please tell me it can't be true's". Went to Facebook. EVERYbody and their mother were paying their respects to Whitney. Of course in this cruel, disrespectful world I saw the "crack/coke jokes" as well as insults to Bobby Brown and Bobbi Kristina. A few people texted me to see if I had heard the news. I envisioned someone in their house shedding a tear for the late Ms. Houston. She was iconic to us. Before there was Beyonce, there was Whitney. I seen a few videos today where she had the mini-skirts, big hair, and beautiful face. She created the blueprint. The thing that made me think the most though was people didn't want to believe it, didn't believe it could be true. I understand how shocking it could be, but sometimes I hear things like this and think that people don't realize that we are here temporarily. No matter who you are. I seen this on someone's twitter: "People die everyday. That's a part of life. Know it's a better place than being here and you shouldn't be sad. Every ending is a new beginning". No one lives forever. At least not in the body that you are currently in. And the phrase "Y.O.L.O.(You Only Live Once) is a cool one, but technically if your soul right you will live twice, die once. But I'm not about to preach to you. People have said that during Black History Month, we always lose great ones. People have said that there is something heavenly about the number 7. Michael Jackson, Left Eye, & Aaliyah died on the 25th. Whitney died on 2-11-12. I indeed believe that the number 7 is heavenly, but I don't think you can just group a few people with that number. In my opinion, it was their time to be called home. Just like anybody else that has passed. And just like each and every one of us will be when it's our time.


As I stated elsewhere, we all have to go. It's written. So all you can do is live right and enjoy your life. I love all of y'all. Celebrate life.

Ramblings of a Madman...

As I sit here listening to Kem, a million thoughts race through my head. It's as if I'm hosting the Olympics in my brain. I try to pick a "winner", hoping that one will give me the inspiration to rattle off a few words. I start, then I erase. Nothing is helping. I look to my left. My bottle of water sits there, as if saying "don't look to me for inspiration. I'm the most boring thing on this planet. But I'm good for ya" *in its' Chris Rock voice*. Damn. I look at my outfit: Red/black Cincinnati hat, black tee, red balling shorts, black/white chucks. I have a coordination problem. Started a long time ago. No company coming over. No one to see me, but yet I can't throw on mismatch clothing. Anyways, off of that. I think about my situation. Funny how the word 'situation' can be used to describe different things. I have several situations, some good, some bad. The main situation causes stress, has me in here on a Friday night alone, writing, rambling. My situation seems to taunt me at times. Maybe I deserve it. My other situation puts a smile on my face. That situation always make me feel good when it's around. But as previously stated, I'm here alone. So as much as that situation helps, I need it's contact to keep my head above water. To keep me sane, if that's possible. I think about God. I wonder what He thinks of me right now. Is He happy with me? Am I too far away from Him to hear what He's trying to say to me. I think...I think...and I think some more. All these thoughts, yet nothing at the forefront. Can't even focus on lust. That's a first. What am I doing here? Besides taking up some poor saps time by making them read this, thinking that they will get to the good part eventually. Sorry poor sap. I'm just a ball of confusion, an orgy of perplexities. I don't even know what I'm talking about right now. And the sad thing is I'm NOT drinking. I would "smh" but I might mess up the race. I'm done for now....

Mind vs. Heart

After reading a friend's blog on something similar, I received their "permission" to somewhat copy their subject matter. It's not something that I feel comfortable with, but giving that our writing styles are different, I think I'm okay. Plus their post was like the Pacific Ocean(deep); mine will be more like an Olympic swimming pool(doesn't compare).

My mind is full. All I see is the multi-bodied creation before me. There is one head composed of several faces laid atop of one another. Complexion is forever changing, ranging between shades of brown, white, yellow, and red. Part of the hair is natural: locs, afro, and ponytail take residence on one side of the face. The other side consists of long flowing hair. What people like to call "that good hair". Possibly of Spanish decent. I see some facial parts that remind me of someone, but because there are too many noses, mouths, eyes, and jawbones on this one face, it's hard to pinpoint where one person starts and one person ends. As hideous as this sounds, I am attracted to it. Desire burns deep inside of me, lust being the gasoline that fuels this fire. One big face leading to numerous bodies. As the bodies come into focus, the blood takes refuge in the lower part of my body, resting comfortably in the large vessel it likes to visit often. Each body has it's own hue, own shape. But one thing is constant amongst them: heels, wifebeater, and thong. Big asses, small asses, big breasts, small breasts, long legs, short legs. My mind is going in overdrive, boiling the blood below, causing me to think irrationally. The vessel "points outward", as if it's my guide. The bodies beckon me, and my feet have now become in sync with the vessel who has started receiving orders from up top. I try to control myself but this vessel belongs in water, and the bodies have sensed this. Moist thongs tease me, opened mouths invite me. I'm trying to convince myself that this isn't the road for me anymore. I want more out of life, but my mind isn't willing to pass up a good time. An easy good time. As if on cue, the bodies strip naked, leaving the heels on, spreading legs, turning around, bending over, reminding the vessel of the special treatment he receives. As the vessel becomes full of blood, it gets heavy. Strong. Hard to fight the gravitational pull that is now put on him. As I get closer, my mind gets slightly overwhelmed. So many options, so many memories. The confusion allows me one last minute ditch-effort, but to no avail. My whole body is now in tune with each other, craving the temporary satisfaction. But something makes me stop for a minute, makes me wonder aloud: if all of me is for this, what is fighting against it? I look inside of me, and there's the answer. My heart....


 My heart longs for her. She gives me wings. My little Red Bull. Our hearts have started to intertwine, slowly becoming one. She appears before me, skinny jeans, heels, sweater, scarf, glasses, lip gloss. Standing 5'7 with 4-inch heels on. 144 pounds, body like a goddess. Slim where it's important, thick where it counts. She looks at me and I see the love behind her eyes. I also see the hurt, the shaky trust. And I embrace it all, prepared to go to war to declare her independence from a troubled past. I see her and the naked bodies writhing in my mind are becoming a distant past. There's a new fire that burns deep inside, fueled by love, want, comfortability, and God. My mind is trying to gain strength, going back over past episodes, showcasing the pleasures that I have enjoyed in life. But my heart displays the emptiness that I've felt for a long time, a void that lifes' pleasures couldn't fill. My heart shows me what happened when I didn't listen to it, instead choosing to hear the fallacies cooked up by my mind and my vessel, causing pain to myself as well as to others. The same others that are not part of the creature behind me. The same others that, although they are different, are represented in the beauty before me. The heart reminds the vessel how it feels when they are both involved. The heart reminds the body how it feels to be next to someone that you want to lay with, hold, and wake up next to. And for the last task, the heart speaks to the mind: 

Heart: I have let you take charge for a long time. And where has it gotten us? Sure there were many nights of pleasure, but do you remember how you would drive home afterwards, beating yourself up? 

Mind: Yeah, but... 

Heart: (interrupts)..and you know how you would drown yourself in alcohol just to go through with some of these "jobs"? 

Mind: Yeah, b-b-but I, umm.... 

Heart: And you remember how you would hurt the ones whom I was involved with, only for me to have to work overtime to fix your mess? 

Mind: yeah 

Heart: Well it's over for all that. I entrusted the body to you, gave you authority over the prized "vessel". Let you use him, all for the sake of trying to prove something to yourself. But no more. From now on, I will determine where he goes. And whom he go with. Do I make myself clear? 

Mind: (sigh) Yes, u do. 

The bodies are slowly becoming a silhoutte, a blur, a reminder of what life was like as a care-free spirit. The heart and the mind are working together now, trying to be a formidable team once again. 

Motivation

It's hard for me to write, although it's something that I feel passionate about. Am I good? That's up for debate. Do I enjoy my writings? That's not even a question. But in the last year, I haven't been able to dig deep and produce that part of me that I cherish. True, I've written a few blogs here and there, spoke on relationship issues or just everyday living. But that's not what I started writing for. My true love is erotic literature. I mean, who doesn't like sex. It's just been hard to parlay that feeling into words. Just as much as I enjoy having it, I enjoy talking/writing about it(okay, maybe not JUST as much, but I have a deep love for orally expressing my interest in it. No pun intended). It's been hard to find the words to put on paper lately. I've started and stopped so many stories. I just can't find my motivation. Somebody get Kelly Rowland on the phone! Seriously though, I think it's about time for me to produce something. My "fans" have been waiting, and I don't want to lose the audience I have, even if it's just a few friends. People ask me what will it take to motivate me. I have even had females ask to be my "inspiration". I appreciate the gesture, but it doesn't work that way. The thing that has gotten my mind churning the most lately has been reading other peoples' work. To see someone else's mind at work is slowly starting to get me back to where I used to be. And I've started following a new blog lately that has really captivated my attention. I'm just hoping that I can hold on to this feeling long enough to bang out something new. Not sure how that just came out, but you get the point! Anyways, I'm rambling right about now. But this is a good drank!!